By Kat Roman

Whether you’re suburban condo chillin’, city shoebox grindin’, or (and especially) cozy cabin livin’, it’s probably most likely not impossible that you might one day meet the wrong electric circuit or leave one too many candles on and meltdown everything you know and love in a fire. So! You may as well embrace your inner pyro and swan dive right into that possible ring of fire. 

Just in case, here are our top tips on how to be fire in a fire. 

First! Hop on the ‘Zon and grab a super cheap space heater (preferably with exposed heating elements). The sketchier, the better! Next day ship that bish to your hot box of a home, pop it in the dustiest corner you’re most embarrassed by, and turn it up to 11! Feel free to modify by placing some fuzzy blankets right on top.

Before that inferno gets goin’ be sure to enjoy some warm and fuzzies. For a brief shining moment, you won’t need to throw down at the thermostat… OK, Dad?!

Now that we’ve got the actual fire going, it’s time to focus on your smolder. We’re going to take it from everyday drab to KILLER FAB. Snap on those Spanx and slide into some Gaga heels (you’ll need them to rise like a phoenix above those flames)! And don’t forget your three-inch lashes (on the top AND bottom lids). There won’t be anything left to see inside those ‘GREAT balls of fire’ anyways!

For your outfit, keep an eye out for colors on theme like red for raging flames or black for the emptiness you battle in your heart. Lean towards any extra fabric or kindling you can find. Faux-fur? Fo’ sure. Pom poms and tassels? We’ll take ‘em. Shoulder pads? Yes, please! We want your vibe to scream, “this girl is on fire!”, because you literally will be! 

Your flames should be popping off as you’re poppin’ on the finishing touches. Time to dial in that ring light, pick your pose (we recommend stop, drop and roll), and embrace your inner Wiccan! It’s about to go down. Literally, everything. Everything around you should be actually crashing down… YAHS QUEEN! 

Note: you might start to panic (as your neighbors definitely are), but don’t worry! If you hear shouts in the stairwell and an axe crashing through your door, you’re right on track! Time to go full Kylie and side-eye the shit out of that selfie! You’ve only got a few seconds to pose your ass off before it burns off. 

And boom (or should I say, ka-boom!)! You’re being fire in an actual fire. 

Pro tip: make sure to grab the firefighters’ handles when you’re on oxygen outside. Those hotties are in calendars for a reason! Just because you almost became a ghost doesn’t mean you want to get ghosted.