By Shayna Nash

Simpleton, NJ – Local woman, Amber Evans, took extreme measures after reading that only 5% of Americans properly wash their hands, by dismembering her house guests’ appendages.

“I did what I had to do”,  Evans recalls as she finished her post-holiday clean up by splashing bleach over blood soaked tiles. A few weeks before the holidays, Evans visited the doctor for her annual physical. While in the waiting room she noticed a sign that stated, “Only 5% of Americans correctly wash their hands.” Horrified, Evans wanted to rescind every invitation to her Thanksgiving dinner.

Evans sighed as her mop hit the floor, “I’ve been a germaphobe since I was in preschool. I never liked holding hands. For me, it’s not the physical contact with a person that bothers me, it’s not knowing what orifice their fingers have been in… I wasn’t intimate for a very long time.” Evans considered canceling her party, but instead she bought a chainsaw from Home Depot and developed a plan.

 “If 95% of my guests aren’t going to have clean hands, why have hands at all?”, Evans mused. However, the last thing Evans wanted to do was to accuse loved ones of being “dirty, little rats.” Evans boasted, “I ordered one of those UV blacklight flashlights from Amazon and transformed my foyer into an inspection station at which each guest had from the tips of their fingernails to the start of their wrists carefully examined.” Without a scientific procedure, Evans decided whose hands looked like “dirty, little rat paws” and whose hands appeared clean. Those deemed dirty by Evans went straight to the chopping block. 

Dinner guests, such as Evans’ grandmother, Tanya Frenshie, said the experience made her feel “safe and not exposed to any dirty, little rat germs.” Evans’ husband, Tom, who has been without hands since her doctor’s appointment last month claims the dismemberment process was quick, easy, and had a great perk. “After forty two years, I finally stopped biting my nails,” Tom gloats.

However, most of Evans’ guests did not agree with her extreme measures to keep her home germ-free. Family friend, Jeb Palmer, spoke out about the dismemberment, “It was absolutely gruesome. My children were scared, I was scared. Why is she not in jail?” 

Surrounded by dried blood and leftovers, Evans cleaned up the remnants. “In hindsight, I could have taught Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Donna how to properly wash their hands by scrubbing for 20 seconds or humming Happy Birthday twice. Also, that’s definitely cranberry sauce on my sandwich, it’s not blood.” Evans proclaimed as she bit into a turkey sandwich and followed up with, “But unlike germs, you can see blood with the naked eye so it’s much easier to clean. Now they never have to worry about washing their hands again!”

Not only does Evans plan to make the chopping block an annual tradition, but after hearing a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a toilet seat, she removed all of the toilets from her home and replaced them with rescue dogs.